"Imposter Syndrome"; Recruiting Research Participants

So this week's post will be split in two, as there's a lot on my mind at present. As you can see in the above image, one of this week's themes is "imposter syndrome". You wouldn't believe how many blogs there are out there mentioning this (and hey-presto, I've added to that mess). It might interest you to know that imposter-syndrome is quite common in areas where one's work is routinely critiqued by peers. Sound familiar? It should - that's academia and postgraduate study, baby!

This methodology chapter has been doing my head in. I think I severely underestimated how much knowledge I would have to acquire. I barely understand standpoint epistemology (I mean, I get the basic gist, but c'mon), and yet I'm writing about it like I know it well. I think that's where the imposter part comes in.

I'm at times plagued by this overwhelming anxiety that I don't belong here, I don't have the intelligence or capacity to be an honours student, let alone be one of the dreaded PhD students. I feel like fortune and luck has got me this far, and at some point someone will notice that I know nothing. I know that's stupid to say, of course I have the ability, why would people agree to supervise me if they didn't think I was capable, etc.

It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I barely even understand my project at times. On several occasions, I have left my supervisor meetings convinced that my research question or aim has changed somewhat. Add to that, that I'm writing about a methodology that only vaguely seems to make sense to me (the theoretical framework of my methodology has nothing to do with the major theory which comprised my literature review), and yeah - bummer town, dude.

I'm sure I'll get over it. This all sounds vaguely like my week 2 posting, where I emo'd up a storm there, too. I know it's hard for most of the peers in my group to relate entirely as they're at the culmination of their projects now. For them, they mostly know what it is they've synthesised. At this stage, I'm struggling to recruit people for my research - tumblr is strange in the way it operates. Unlike Facebook, direct contact is not so easy. I'm also faced with the challenge that these are communities that quite possibly do not take kindly to outsiders. Now there's some stress - what if I can't find enough recruits? How long will it delay my overall timeline? Ugh...

This gif pretty much sums up my recruitment process so far:

Stupidity, Acceptance and Determination

Not much has progressed in the last week. I submitted the first draft of my literature review to my supervisors, with mixed results. One one hand, they appreciated my delineation of the literature, but I neglected my own 'voice' too much, and subsequently have to go back and 'silence the cacophony', so to speak. TL;DR - Need to voice my own thoughts more rather than stand on the shoulders of giants.

It's hard, man. In the bachelors degree, you don't get taught to any great extent how to think critically, or express your own thought as much...Perhaps I'm wording that incorrectly...You aren't taught or prepared to think at a postgraduate level, which means that when you do get to that stage, you're dropped in the deep end. Some people thrive on pressure, and while I do work well under the hammer (I think, at least), I couldn't help but wonder - am I 'cut out' for research (See image above for an accurate depiction of my face as I left my supervisory meeting)?

As it stands, I'm currently rewriting the parts of my chapter that let me down, namely my introduction paragraph (done), and the 'toning down' of my citations. I'm reading The Transformation of Intimacy (1992) and Liquid Love (2003) again. I need to figure out how to overcome my self-doubt and confidently critique these writings (I still feel like I am a lowly undergrad with no right to an opinion, which isn't doing me any favours).

I guess for me, the problem is never going to be a 'writing block' or lack of inspiration. For me, it's a lack of motivation that is psychologically based on my low sense of self-worth. I'm unsure if my other classmates suffer from the same lack of confidence (I can think of two girls in particular that rock at what they do, and would be surprised to think they feel otherwise), but perhaps I can bring this up in class on Monday. I can't be the only fresh-faced honours student filled with doubt in the formative stages of their thesis?

Oh well, I just need to keep on writing, nothing will get done by procrastinating. More to come on my progress when there's actually progress to comment upon.



References

Bauman, Z 2003, Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds, Polity Press, UK.

Giddens, A 1992, The Transformation Of Intimacy: Sexuality, Love and Eroticism in Modern Societies, Polity Press, UK