So this week's post will be split in two, as there's a lot on my mind at present. As you can see in the above image, one of this week's themes is "imposter syndrome". You wouldn't believe how many blogs there are out there mentioning this (and hey-presto, I've added to that mess). It might interest you to know that imposter-syndrome is quite common in areas where one's work is routinely critiqued by peers. Sound familiar? It should - that's academia and postgraduate study, baby!
This methodology chapter has been doing my head in. I think I severely underestimated how much knowledge I would have to acquire. I barely understand standpoint epistemology (I mean, I get the basic gist, but c'mon), and yet I'm writing about it like I know it well. I think that's where the imposter part comes in.
I'm at times plagued by this overwhelming anxiety that I don't belong here, I don't have the intelligence or capacity to be an honours student, let alone be one of the dreaded PhD students. I feel like fortune and luck has got me this far, and at some point someone will notice that I know nothing. I know that's stupid to say, of course I have the ability, why would people agree to supervise me if they didn't think I was capable, etc.
It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I barely even understand my project at times. On several occasions, I have left my supervisor meetings convinced that my research question or aim has changed somewhat. Add to that, that I'm writing about a methodology that only vaguely seems to make sense to me (the theoretical framework of my methodology has nothing to do with the major theory which comprised my literature review), and yeah - bummer town, dude.
I'm sure I'll get over it. This all sounds vaguely like my week 2 posting, where I emo'd up a storm there, too. I know it's hard for most of the peers in my group to relate entirely as they're at the culmination of their projects now. For them, they mostly know what it is they've synthesised. At this stage, I'm struggling to recruit people for my research - tumblr is strange in the way it operates. Unlike Facebook, direct contact is not so easy. I'm also faced with the challenge that these are communities that quite possibly do not take kindly to outsiders. Now there's some stress - what if I can't find enough recruits? How long will it delay my overall timeline? Ugh...
This gif pretty much sums up my recruitment process so far:
Sounds like a case of productive doubt to me!
ReplyDeleteIt's a pretty tenuous balance to manage but measures of doubt as to quality guard against complacency and pushes us that little bit harder. I am always suspicious if things appear to be too sewn up- it normally means that I'm missing something! Here's some heartening words on doubt from those who know better than I do what they're on about:
Shakespeare- "Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt"
...backed up by good old da Vinci:
"The painter who has no doubts will achieve little" ...and I have no idea who Jean Wilson is but this is something that I like doing:
"If in doubt, scribble"
Currently, I can't see my desk for the scraps of paper covered in nigh-illegible scribble. Most of it is not very useful to me now but I find that it helps me to work through ideas as I go.
Best of luck recruiting participants- your site looks very swish so 'build it and they will come' eh?
Cheers Alex :)
DeleteRecruiting is slow, I have 3/5 for one case study and 2/5 for the other so far...But I have set aside a whole month for interviewing in October, so in the next four weeks I should be able to find the remaining 5 people I need.
How is your thesis coming? Best start organising those scribbles, eh? I'm sure you'll do fine. I am so jealous of you and the others, finishing your theses in a matter of weeks. I've only got another 7 months to go...Only...!
That's excellent that you've rounded half up already! October will be extremely interesting for you raw data wise, how exciting :)
DeleteThesis coming along- put up a new post earlier today re: doing the big edit. Once I'm through that, I'll have to get tinkering with the formatting and then it's off to the printers. I wouldn't worry about the time too much, it goes quickly enough!
Hahaha hilarious gif. It's beautiful. In terms of imposter syndrome I am sure you will be fine. You need to remember that there is a selection process and that you wouldn't be here if you weren't meant to be here. You should also check out some other past theses again, some time you in the arts building. This really gave me a lot of confidence. The standard is something that is very attainable for all of us - it just is going to mean putting our heads down and bums up for a while, but you seem to have no problem doing that! Good luck with the recruitment :)
ReplyDeleteThat gif resonates with me on so many levels! I know I tend to dramatise my "oh woe is my, I suck all the metaphoric knobby bits at this", and that my supervisors see something in me that I obviously don't, but sometimes it's cathartic to vent about it. You know better than anyone there's a standard and then there's a personal goal that you need to aim for! I have so much time because I have such a small social life, and I lock myself away in my dorm, haha! Thanks re recruitment :) How's your recruitment for focus groups going?
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